Inner Feeling👤

(English version) 

There are a lot of times that I feel happy when I’m with you. In short, I’m comfortable with you. Everytime I talk to you, my heart is pounding differently. Everytime you make a joke, you never fail to make me laugh and smile. Especially when I’m looking at you from a far distance, I don’t know, it just feel different. 😶 It’s kinda like having a stealth look at you and when you are trying to look at me, I quickly avoided eye contact with you. 🙈
I am getting used to look at you always and that I’m looking for you whenever I can’t see you. Everytime you go out, I always finding myself looking at the door waiting for you to come back. (haha I know it’s funny but I think I’m like a stalker). 🙈 I’m used that your always around, you’re always there, that my naked eyes can see you. Sigh…

Whenever we play our sport, I am happy because I can talk to you closely, we can make jokes and I can be with you for a short matter of time. Well, there are many times that I almost slip the words that I can’t handle. At least, it’s just on my mind because if I let it slip   away I don’t know what would happen. But what I know is that there are boundaries between us and if it will be ignore there will be trouble. 😧😔

*SIGH*

On the other side, I’m so happy that I met you in an unexpected time. We’re not that close before and I don’t even remember how we’ve become like that, it just so happened. I learned a lot from you. You’re more matured than I am. But despite that, I am thankful because you give happiness to my life.

I’m a shy type of person. I wanted people to see that I’m strong outside and I can do anything. But deep inside I am weak, I am fragile and I can lose. I don’t want people to criticize me for being like that. So I try my best to do anything. Even in sports, I wanted to play with all my heart and do the best I can. While about love, once I fall inlove shyness comes up. But there are also a time that I am confident, if I know the person well and then I will feel comfortable with that person.
But in LOVE, I can lose. As they say, when it comes to love, I become stupid. 😥

When will be the time that I won’t be called “stupid” in love?

× × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × ×

(Tagalog version)

Marami ng pagkakataon na nakaramdam ako sayo ng sobrang saya, yung tipong ang gaan gaan ng pakiramdam ko, tuwing makakausap ka iba yung tibok ng puso ko, tuwing magbibiro ka napapatawa at napapangiti mo ko at lalo na sa tuwing tinititigan kita ng malayuan iba sa pakiramdam. Ewan. 😶 parang nakaw tingin, na di mo alam na tinitingnan kita tas pagtitingin ka na iiwas na ko. 🙈

Nasanay na akong natingin sayo palagi. Na lagi kang hinahanap pag nawala ka sa inuupuan mo o pwesto mo. Tuwing lumalabas ka napapatingin ako sa bawat bukas ng pinto kasi akala ko ikaw na yung darating. (haha nakakatawang isipin pero ganon na nga, stalker yata ako sayo). 🙈 At nasanay na rin akong nandyan ka palagi na nakikita ko. Hays…

Sa mga laro natin, ang saya ko kasi nakakausap ka ng malapitan, nagbibiruan at nakakasama ng matagal kahit dun lang. Marami ng beses na muntik na kong makabitaw ng mga salitang mahirap panghawakan. Buti at sa isip ko lang nabanggit. Kasi kung nabitawan ko yun. Hindi ko alam ang mangyayari. Kasi alam kong may boundaries at magkakagulo dahil dun. 😧😔

*SIGH*

Masaya talaga ako at nakilala kita sa di inaasahang pagkakataon. Hindi naman tayo ganito kaclose noon. Di ko na nga maalala kung pano pero it just so happened. At marami rin akong natututunan mula sayo. You’re more matured than I am, syempre. Pero salamat nagkasigla uli ung buhay ko.

Mahiyain talaga ako. Pero ang pinapakita ko sa outside appearance ko ay matapang at malakas na kayang gawin ang lahat. But deep inside mahina ako, na talo ako. Kasi ayaw kong lokohin ako ng iba na ganon ako kaya I try my best na magawa ang mga dapat gawin kahit sa sports I wanted to play with all my heart and do the best I can. Kung sa love naman, shy talaga ako kasi once na naiinlove ako nahihiya ako sa lahat ng bagay basta about dun. May pagkakataon din namang confident kapag nakikilala ko na talaga at gumagaan na pakiramdam ko. Pero pag LOVE talaga. Talo ako. Sabi nga BOBO ako pagdating sa PAG IBIG. 😥

Kelan kaya yung time na di na ko magiging bobo pagdating sa pag ibig? 

Thoughts

Thoughts

After an eight-hour work with toxic people – stress reliever with food

After an eight-hour work with toxic people – stress reliever with food

Don’t trust to much.

The pain is still there.. 

After 4 years from that lie, it’s still here and it’s getting bigger when times passes by. It’s too much pain to bare. The excuses, the reasons, and the lie you told me, its all haunting me back, my heart is aching and tearing myself again to pieces. 

After all that dishonesty and unfaithfulness, I forgive you because that is what should love be,  right? You need to forgive so that you can have peace,  but too much forgiveness can make you feel empty. Giving all yourself to the person you love is crazy and it’s should not be like that. But then again, it’s love.  Love can make you go crazy all over again for the person you fall in love with. I still stand and fight for my love for you in 6 years of being in a relationship. I experienced ups and downs with you but mostly I am the one who always lose. I give up everything for you, I beg to you not to leave me, I cry every night after our fight while you can sleep well, I overthink what you do or say to me when it’s unclear, I always say sorry for the bad things I’ve done but you’re just annoyed at me for saying it many times and I say to myself that I will always love you no matter what happens.
But when the moment comes that my love for you is vanishing little by little, I am really sorry if you’re going to feel that I am not fighting anymore. I am just drained, physically and emotionally. I am not okay, my head is a mess that  I can’t think straight, and my heart is full of pain. 

To the extent that I cry to God, to say sorry for all the bad things I have done and asking for help to take out this pain out of my chest. 

“I surrender to you Lord. “

I pray and cried this out loud from my heart to ease the pain. 

After that, it is still there but at some point, there’s a slight feeling of calmness to sleep comfortably. 

Give your burdens to the Lord and trust in his plans for you. 
I really don’t understand that phrase before but after what I have experienced of staying,  I think I am on the process and molding stage to become the better person so that the Lord’s plan will prevail. 
I hope this will be a lesson to someone out there who loves unconditionally.  I know it’s hard to control the feelings of being in love and for staying in love in a long term relationship, but if you really get hurt from that love, that is the time when you will learn and understand that loving yourself first will enlighten you what truly matters and help you improve in making decision in every aspect of your life. 

Am I bad or not?

Chuchu is the name of our dog. Well actually I named him brownie but I think he don’t like it because he’s not coming to me when I call him. So that’s when I started to call him Chuchu. He is an askal dog that we owned on the year 2013 and I was still young back then. 

He was a baby when we adopt him. A shy type puppy.  I remember the time when he arrived, he’s so cute and got the look of puppy eyes that so adorable. At first I always play with him and I want to take care of him by giving him a bath but he’s afraid of the water ,always hiding and running away so that he will not get a bath. Funny tho. 

Fast forward he grows bigger , I don’t usually play with him and spend time with him. I have an allergy to dust, dirt and fur.  That’s why I’m not always around with him. What I should just do is give him water and food, pat his head, body and tummy with my feet. I also buy medicine to remove the lice so that he won’t scratch all over his body every night and cry. I tried to remove the morning glory to his eyes with tissue and water but when I am doing that he got angry and almost bite me that makes me to sit down on the ground. I was so scared and after two times of attempting to do it, I did not do it again. 

I know for sure that he is a sad lonely dog. I know with myself that I didn’t do much to take care of him and love him. I think I’m a bad owner. He guards our home when we are not around. He barks when people is near the gate so that we will know if someone is outside. I know that he takes care of us by always being there even though we are not. 

I feel terrible. I feel sad that he’s dead now. A pandemic time, what a timing. I think it was Saturday or Sunday morning that it happened.  I was washing my clothes near the garden and then I see Chuchu shaking, having wound in his left feet, getting thin, smell bad and the look in his eyes telling me that his not okay.  That moment when I saw him I can’t stop looking at him. I give him water and call my father to feed him but then he did not eat, he just drink water. After that he go to many places in the garden. And then I saw him go near to the tree of bayabas and lay down.  I watch him there. I see him getting weak… And that moment I saw his head falls down, that’s when I call and shout to my mother that chuchu is dead. I was still washing my clothes and the tears falls down my face. I can’t stop crying. I stop what I’m doing and go to the garage to cry and to hide to everyone so that they wouldn’t see me like that. It was heavy, it was so hard for me. Everything flashback to my mind. I cry and cry and cry there and sit down with my knees feeling weak…. 

I’m sorry Chuchu. I didn’t do anything for you to keep you alive more longer. I’m sorry and I hope God will help you and guide you to where you are right now. Lord God, take care of Chuchu and love him more. I’m sorry again.. Sorry.. 

This is what I said on my mind when I saw him gone. I put water beside his head and close his eyes with my feet. 

Sorry… 

My brother and father bury him near in our bahay kubo. I just always pray to God that he’s in good hands right now. Still crying after two weeks. 

Good bye Chuchu! Sorry! I always love you even though I didn’t show it all. 

07-18-2013

Drunk

I am not in my self right now. 

I am drunk from the mule that I drink. 

I am missing you. I miss your care for me and the way we talk about things and stuff.

I wanted to feel you again. 

Your love for me is truly a real one. 

And I’m sorry for declining it due to limitations. 

I do care. I reminisce of us being so close together and the way you look at me like.. It’s just making me melting away. 

I am drunk. Not totally but tipsy. 

I just wanted to say sorry and I do miss our simple conversations.. 

I am not in myself it’s just I have the guts right now to say this to you I imagine myself trying to kiss when I’m drunk and being taken away by the alcohol and I know it’s bad. That ‘s why this is only my imagination. 

I’ m sorry. 

I just miss you.

It’s just I already have a deep scar of the past. And I’m really broken with that. 

Express

This feeling inside I can’t control. I don’t know how long I can manage to keep it from you. The moment I wanted to tell you right away makes me feel anxious. But the moment I hide it makes me want to burst my emotion and feelings towards you. 

Everytime I think of you makes me want to tell you right away how I really feel. 

eXcited to see you whenever you’re gone for too long. 

Pretending to show you I don’t care at all but I peek at you afar to know if you’re okay. 

Right from wrong is easy to understand but it’s hard to do when you’re falling for someone. 

Ending a conversations with you makes me feel sad. 

Sometimes my feelings for you is greater than the other but I know what is my limitation and for that I am setting aside my feelings. 

Should I tell you that I love you because of your care and honesty and so I like the way you treat me or should I not,  ’cause of the situation? 

–thoughts right now based on feelings

It’s Me…

This is the moment that I am waiting for. The moment that I’ve been waiting for a long time ago. The feeling that you are being sensitive to my feelings now. 

I know it’s hard. It is hard for those people who really don’t know my worth. Because I also don’t know my worth. 

I always think of you, what’s good for you, and everything else just for you. I did not even think of myself. For myself? I don’t have anything for myself. It left me nothing. I have nothing. 

You. You are my world. 

And I hate it. I hate it because it’s hard for me to change it. 

I don’t want to love anyone anymore too deep. Even so the one I love doesn’t love me the way I love him. 

I just hate this feeling right now. 

The problem is me. 

I am looking for something that you don’t have. I am not contented as I am not contented to myself. 

I’m sorry. 

I need to fix myself first. 

I hopefully can fix myself with the help of Lord God. 

I think…

Everything is great. I think. 

I think he’s trying to do that he has not done yet before. The way he looked at me before is not the same as now. The little conversations that we had is different now. The simple thoughts that he give to me is heartwarming. Everything that what we are now is diffirent than the past. 

This is what I wanted, this is the feeling that I wanted from him before. But I think, I feel that there’s something wrong.

 I love him more than he could ever know. I love him and sacrifice everything for him to make him love me too the way I wanted to be loved. But it’s not enough. I think I’m not enough for him. Everytime we are happy together, there is still a tiny thing that bothers me. That I’m not good for him. 

I love him. I love how he interacts with me even in my craziness and nothingness. Still, I am questioning myself, is he the one? I think he’s not that committed.

 Yes, he’s doing the things now that I wanted him to do for me  but it’s not enough because he only do it cause I say it so. I don’t want to tell him anymore what he should be doing for me because IF you really love a person, you will be the first one to make a move and nothing will stop you from doing it…

That is why I am thinking,..

I think I needed a ME TIME. 

Comfort, enjoy, relax, play, work, walk, shop, eat, travel with myself and most importantly LOVE MYSELF first. 

I needed to complete myself. To do whatever I wanted to do and never think of anyone, for myself, to heal, refresh and be complete again. 

God is my strength and refuge 

-Psalm46:1 

Or maybe, I can have that time for myself even when we’re together.

Can I (we) ? 

Do I need to? 

Let go? 

I don’t want to lose you. 

I love you with all my heart.
That’s why I’m afraid. 

It’s me and you

I choose you no matter what, but you ended it.

I don’t know what am I gonna do now. 

I am really lost.

I am confused. 

I am stressed. 

I am deeply hurt. 

It’s like my heart is being stabbed too many times. 

I am crying and crying until I can’t. 

I am crushing and pushing myself too hard until I realize that it’s ENOUGH. 

IT’S ENOUGH BEING LIKE THIS!

I choose you no matter what, I choose to be by your side when you get sick or injured. I wanted to be your companion when you needed one. But you never open your problems with me. You just said that, you can handle it on your own. So what am I to you, if you don’t open up to me? Right? I am your partner through ups and down (that is what I think and I don’t know yours). 

It’s been more than 3 years that we’ve been together. I saw good and bad side of yours and vice versa. What I don’t like the most in you is that, you always just say “Go” with your friends to have some fun and drink beer until dawn. You always go outside late at night and you go home at dawn. Then the next day, it’s our time to be together, but when we are together after going to church and go home with you, you feel sleepy and tired. That’s what I hate, because we don’t have that much time to spend together yet you are enjoying with your friends. 

How about me? 

That is what we always argue about. We got fights because of it. You think that I am not supporting you for what you want to do. But what I think is that, it’s bad for your health. You drink too much and you cannot say no to that. It’s not hard to say, “no”  to alcohol and there should be a limit to it and it’s not hard to say “I should go home”,  even if they are not done. You always wait for them to finish the session of drinking before you go home. Why can’t you just listen to me, when I say it’s enough and go home early,  not early in the morning? 

I just can’t get over thinking of you. I can’t sleep whenever you’re outside and not texting me what’s happening to you. I feel restless and worried because “I love you so much”.

That’s why I don’t understand the meaning of “I love you” when you say it to me. Because for me that is too deep, the feelings for the one you love is unexpressible by words, it is a deeper connection and feelings towards the person you love. 

Love is powerful.

It will complete you or it will destroy you. 

It hurts, it really hurts too much when you love the person so much and you forgot to love yourself and make time for yourself because you give everything to him. 

REASON OF BREAK UP:

💔Both of us need to find ourselves even though we’re not together. 

💔He’s not happy anymore, he feels I choked him by my love and does not love me the way I love him.

💔I make him my world and that’s my fault.

 I love him until the end of our relationship even though it is really painful. 😭💔People might say I’m martyr in love but that is it, I LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT. 

#messylove

 In the end, when you’re able to be fearless in your messy adulthood, that’s the exact sign you’re mastering your own life.

Wishing even it’s Impossible…

I wish that I have a big sister. 

I wish that I can have someone to talk to about my life: the dramas, heartbroken, happines, etc. In short through my ups and downs. 

I wish that I’m brave enough to do what I wanted to do. 

I wish that I’m not the kind of person who loves someone SO MUCH, that I will do and give everything for that someone even though I have nothing. 

I wish that I am not the kind of person who always get jelous. 

I wish I’m strong enough not to cry on love fights. 

I wish that I don’t want that someone becomes my world because at the end, it will destroy and hurt me deeply. 

I wish that I’m not FRAGILE: my feelings, emotions and soul. 

I wish that being negative will become positive.

I wish that I’m not an overthinker person. 

I wish that I am not selfish. 

I wish I can become a better version of myself: who loves and truly knows myself. 

I wish that I can build my OWN WORLD and my OWN HAPPINESS. 

I wish that all my wishes will become HOPES. 

I wish I can.  

I HOPE I CAN!

Wishing even it’s impossible, 

FOR THE MEAN TIME. 

BUT SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW IT WILL. 

#DEARFUTURESELF