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Inner Feeling👤

(English version) 

There are a lot of times that I feel happy when I’m with you. In short, I’m comfortable with you. Everytime I talk to you, my heart is pounding differently. Everytime you make a joke, you never fail to make me laugh and smile. Especially when I’m looking at you from a far distance, I don’t know, it just feel different. 😶 It’s kinda like having a stealth look at you and when you are trying to look at me, I quickly avoided eye contact with you. 🙈
I am getting used to look at you always and that I’m looking for you whenever I can’t see you. Everytime you go out, I always finding myself looking at the door waiting for you to come back. (haha I know it’s funny but I think I’m like a stalker). 🙈 I’m used that your always around, you’re always there, that my naked eyes can see you. Sigh…

Whenever we play our sport, I am happy because I can talk to you closely, we can make jokes and I can be with you for a short matter of time. Well, there are many times that I almost slip the words that I can’t handle. At least, it’s just on my mind because if I let it slip   away I don’t know what would happen. But what I know is that there are boundaries between us and if it will be ignore there will be trouble. 😧😔

*SIGH*

On the other side, I’m so happy that I met you in an unexpected time. We’re not that close before and I don’t even remember how we’ve become like that, it just so happened. I learned a lot from you. You’re more matured than I am. But despite that, I am thankful because you give happiness to my life.

I’m a shy type of person. I wanted people to see that I’m strong outside and I can do anything. But deep inside I am weak, I am fragile and I can lose. I don’t want people to criticize me for being like that. So I try my best to do anything. Even in sports, I wanted to play with all my heart and do the best I can. While about love, once I fall inlove shyness comes up. But there are also a time that I am confident, if I know the person well and then I will feel comfortable with that person.
But in LOVE, I can lose. As they say, when it comes to love, I become stupid. 😥

When will be the time that I won’t be called “stupid” in love?

× × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × ×

(Tagalog version)

Marami ng pagkakataon na nakaramdam ako sayo ng sobrang saya, yung tipong ang gaan gaan ng pakiramdam ko, tuwing makakausap ka iba yung tibok ng puso ko, tuwing magbibiro ka napapatawa at napapangiti mo ko at lalo na sa tuwing tinititigan kita ng malayuan iba sa pakiramdam. Ewan. 😶 parang nakaw tingin, na di mo alam na tinitingnan kita tas pagtitingin ka na iiwas na ko. 🙈

Nasanay na akong natingin sayo palagi. Na lagi kang hinahanap pag nawala ka sa inuupuan mo o pwesto mo. Tuwing lumalabas ka napapatingin ako sa bawat bukas ng pinto kasi akala ko ikaw na yung darating. (haha nakakatawang isipin pero ganon na nga, stalker yata ako sayo). 🙈 At nasanay na rin akong nandyan ka palagi na nakikita ko. Hays…

Sa mga laro natin, ang saya ko kasi nakakausap ka ng malapitan, nagbibiruan at nakakasama ng matagal kahit dun lang. Marami ng beses na muntik na kong makabitaw ng mga salitang mahirap panghawakan. Buti at sa isip ko lang nabanggit. Kasi kung nabitawan ko yun. Hindi ko alam ang mangyayari. Kasi alam kong may boundaries at magkakagulo dahil dun. 😧😔

*SIGH*

Masaya talaga ako at nakilala kita sa di inaasahang pagkakataon. Hindi naman tayo ganito kaclose noon. Di ko na nga maalala kung pano pero it just so happened. At marami rin akong natututunan mula sayo. You’re more matured than I am, syempre. Pero salamat nagkasigla uli ung buhay ko.

Mahiyain talaga ako. Pero ang pinapakita ko sa outside appearance ko ay matapang at malakas na kayang gawin ang lahat. But deep inside mahina ako, na talo ako. Kasi ayaw kong lokohin ako ng iba na ganon ako kaya I try my best na magawa ang mga dapat gawin kahit sa sports I wanted to play with all my heart and do the best I can. Kung sa love naman, shy talaga ako kasi once na naiinlove ako nahihiya ako sa lahat ng bagay basta about dun. May pagkakataon din namang confident kapag nakikilala ko na talaga at gumagaan na pakiramdam ko. Pero pag LOVE talaga. Talo ako. Sabi nga BOBO ako pagdating sa PAG IBIG. 😥

Kelan kaya yung time na di na ko magiging bobo pagdating sa pag ibig? 

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It’s Me… 

This is the moment that I am waiting for. The moment that I’ve been waiting for a long time ago. The feeling that you are being sensitive to my feelings now. 

I know it’s hard. It is hard for those people who really don’t know my worth. Because I also don’t know my worth. 

I always think of you, what’s good for you, and everything else just for you. I did not even think of myself. For myself? I don’t have anything for myself. It left me nothing. I have nothing. 

You. You are my world. 

And I hate it. I hate it because it’s hard for me to change it. 

I don’t want to love anyone anymore too deep. Even so the one I love doesn’t love me the way I love him. 

I just hate this feeling right now. 

The problem is me. 

I am looking for something that you don’t have. I am not contented as I am not contented to myself. 

I’m sorry. 

I need to fix myself first. 

I hopefully can fix myself with the help of Lord God. 

I think… 

Everything is great. I think. 

I think he’s trying to do that he has not done yet before. The way he looked at me before is not the same as now. The little conversations that we had is different now. The simple thoughts that he give to me is heartwarming. Everything that what we are now is diffirent than the past. 

This is what I wanted, this is the feeling that I wanted from him before. But I think, I feel that there’s something wrong.

 I love him more than he could ever know. I love him and sacrifice everything for him to make him love me too the way I wanted to be loved. But it’s not enough. I think I’m not enough for him. Everytime we are happy together, there is still a tiny thing that bothers me. That I’m not good for him. 

I love him. I love how he interacts with me even in my craziness and nothingness. Still, I am questioning myself, is he the one? I think he’s not that committed.

 Yes, he’s doing the things now that I wanted him to do for me  but it’s not enough because he only do it cause I say it so. I don’t want to tell him anymore what he should be doing for me because IF you really love a person, you will be the first one to make a move and nothing will stop you from doing it…

That is why I am thinking,..

I think I needed a ME TIME. 

Comfort, enjoy, relax, play, work, walk, shop, eat, travel with myself and most importantly LOVE MYSELF first. 

I needed to complete myself. To do whatever I wanted to do and never think of anyone, for myself, to heal, refresh and be complete again. 

God is my strength and refuge 

-Psalm46:1 

Or maybe, I can have that time for myself even when we’re together.

Can I (we) ? 

Do I need to? 

Let go? 

I don’t want to lose you. 

I love you with all my heart.
That’s why I’m afraid. 

It’s me and you

I choose you no matter what, but you ended it. 

I don’t know what am I gonna do now. 

I am really lost.

I am confused. 

I am stressed. 

I am deeply hurt. 

It’s like my heart is being stabbed too many times. 

I am crying and crying until I can’t. 

I am crushing and pushing myself too hard until I realize that it’s ENOUGH. 

IT’S ENOUGH BEING LIKE THIS!

I choose you no matter what, I choose to be by your side when you get sick or injured. I wanted to be your companion when you needed one. But you never open your problems with me. You just said that, you can handle it on your own. So what am I to you, if you don’t open up to me? Right? I am your partner through ups and down (that is what I think and I don’t know yours). 

It’s been more than 3 years that we’ve been together. I saw good and bad side of yours and vice versa. What I don’t like the most in you is that, you always just say “Go” with your friends to have some fun and drink beer until dawn. You always go outside late at night and you go home at dawn. Then the next day, it’s our time to be together, but when we are together after going to church and go home with you, you feel sleepy and tired. That’s what I hate, because we don’t have that much time to spend together yet you are enjoying with your friends. 

How about me? 

That is what we always argue about. We got fights because of it. You think that I am not supporting you for what you want to do. But what I think is that, it’s bad for your health. You drink too much and you cannot say no to that. It’s not hard to say, “no”  to alcohol and there should be a limit to it and it’s not hard to say “I should go home”,  even if they are not done. You always wait for them to finish the session of drinking before you go home. Why can’t you just listen to me, when I say it’s enough and go home early,  not early in the morning? 

I just can’t get over thinking of you. I can’t sleep whenever you’re outside and not texting me what’s happening to you. I feel restless and worried because “I love you so much”.

That’s why I don’t understand the meaning of “I love you” when you say it to me. Because for me that is too deep, the feelings for the one you love is unexpressible by words, it is a deeper connection and feelings towards the person you love. 

Love is powerful.

It will complete you or it will destroy you. 

It hurts, it really hurts too much when you love the person so much and you forgot to love yourself and make time for yourself because you give everything to him. 

REASON OF BREAK UP:

💔Both of us need to find ourselves even though we’re not together. 

💔He’s not happy anymore, he feels I choked him by my love and does not love me the way I love him.

💔I make him my world and that’s my fault.

 I love him until the end of our relationship even though it is really painful. 😭💔People might say I’m martyr in love but that is it, I LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT. 

#messylove

 In the end, when you’re able to be fearless in your messy adulthood, that’s the exact sign you’re mastering your own life.

Wishing even it’s Impossible…

I wish that I have a big sister. 

I wish that I can have someone to talk to about my life: the dramas, heartbroken, happines, etc. In short through my ups and downs. 

I wish that I’m brave enough to do what I wanted to do. 

I wish that I’m not the kind of person who loves someone SO MUCH, that I will do and give everything for that someone even though I have nothing. 

I wish that I am not the kind of person who always get jelous. 

I wish I’m strong enough not to cry on love fights. 

I wish that I don’t want that someone becomes my world because at the end, it will destroy and hurt me deeply. 

I wish that I’m not FRAGILE: my feelings, emotions and soul. 

I wish that being negative will become positive.

I wish that I’m not an overthinker person. 

I wish that I am not selfish. 

I wish I can become a better version of myself: who loves and truly knows myself. 

I wish that I can build my OWN WORLD and my OWN HAPPINESS. 

I wish that all my wishes will become HOPES. 

I wish I can.  

I HOPE I CAN!

Wishing even it’s impossible, 

FOR THE MEAN TIME. 

BUT SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW IT WILL. 


#DEARFUTURESELF

I’m afraid… 

I fear of my thoughts that will become a reality. 

I fear of doing something that will destroy the relationship. 

I fear of always saying the things that you should probably do in a relationship because it shouldn’t be a must to tell you,   it should be what you need to do. 

I fear of doing the same mistakes again but in other ways. 

I fear of everything in the past that will happen again. 

What most I fear is losing you because of my fault again. 

********

Thoughts in my mind

I am not good for you

I am not enough for you

In short I’m not the one for you


The truth? 

I’m afraid……. To myself 

Because I’m the one causing all of this to turn it into a reality.

****It’s hard to fight with myself  especially if the mind always prevail than the heart. 

(cause you will lose of someone because of overthinking and easily get angry of it.)

True Love in Silence

There are many hindrances and barriers that may affect on what you feel for the person but silently you truly loves him based on what your heart wants to tell you.

Height, weight, age, gender,citizen, distance or any label doesn’t matter if you truly deeply love the person. But the only thing that cannot be set aside is marriage. If someone is married already don’t bother to ruin their marriage because it is sacred and they vow to God. What if? What if someone who is married but not happy and then a single woman is in a relationship but also not happy coincedentally meet at an unexpected time. 

The twist is, back then that person is what I don’t like the most and scared of. But that moment, a chance to encounter is the reason why there is a “true love in silence”, a forbidden love. 

No matter how hard or complicated your relationship with someone you still loves him in a way that only the two of you can understand your true feelings. 

That is silently loving him even both of you will be hurt deeply through the heart. 

너를 사랑해 

No matter what Love is, it’s still Love

This is the most precious feeling a person could ever feel in his entire life. Love.

It can make you happy even in your darkest days but it can also give you so much pain when you’re hurt.

Even though the one you love push you one time, and push you the second time, you will still love him no matter what. You know why? It’s simply because you love that person. Love is powerful , it can gives you courage, hope,faith and so on that will gives you strength to do what you really want to do.

You really love the person even if you’re hurt by him many times. Always thinks of him. Protect him from bad opinions.  Even if you’re mad at him you can’t take it and you are the first one to apologize and talk to him. 

That’s love. It’s unconditional, nobody ask for it even him, it’s just you who wanted to do all of those things for him even there’s no exchange for it. 

But the saddest part is that he’s not like that to me. 💔 That gives me heartbreak.